Rough Waters Ahead, Captain!
by DaysOfTheNight
Summary: MADE BY DAYSOFTHENIGHT'S FRIEND! The men in Hellsing don’t get humiliated NEARLY enough, do they?
1. Chapter 1

_**Summary**_: The men in Helsing don't get humiliated NEARLY enough, do they?

**A/N: Hi! This is DayOfTheNight's Friend here! I was bored one day and decided I'd give this story plot a try. I would really appreciate it if you could perhaps give me some feed back by posting some comments on it so she could get back to me Thank you!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything but Charlie and the story itself.**

_Rough Waters Ahead, Captain_

Pip ran. That was all he could do, really. There was no other option. His entire fleet had been defeated, and he had lost his gun some time ago.

He had no idea what he was actually running from. The only thing the captain was sure of was that it was big and dangerous, whatever it was.

Pip stopped for a moment to rest. As he stood there, hands on his knees and panting heavily, he listened for the enemy. Last time he checked, he hadn't seen anyone. But still, you never knew with the adversary force….

Suddenly, there was a rustling from somewhere in front of him. It was pitch-black outside and he only had one useable eye, so he didn't know what to expect..

It was a female; He could tell that much. Then, without much warning, a bright light blinded him.

Seras...It was Seras. Just Seras. Pip felt himself relax. If it was just she, she could help him defeat the real enemy when it arrived.

"Hey Zeras! What are you doing out here?" he asked, trying to block the blinding beam of her flashlight. It seemed that she didn't want to answer.

Pip tried again. "Zeras? Are you feeling all-right?" She did seem to look a bit off. Her eyes had a vacant look to them.

"Your time is now, Captain Bernadette," Seras replied in monotone, holding up a gun.

Pip was completely baffled. "Zeras? Are- are you proposing? What are you meaning by, 'My time'?"

Seras smirked as she pulled the trigger.

Pip woke up sweating and his heart pounding against his chest.

A nightmare. That's all it had been. Just a stupid dream.

Sometimes Pip regretted his job. He could never sleep well after a mission. He always ended getting haunted by horrifying dreams…

He shuddered as his heart rate slowly returned to normal.

Captain Bernadette looked at the clock. 2:57am… Great.

As he rolled over to try and fall back asleep, he heard something that sent chills running down his spine.

"BERNADETTE!! MY OFFICE, _**NOW**_!!!"

It was Integra, no mistake about it. What could she possibly want at this hour?

Even though Pip Bernadette certainly didn't want to lock horns with his boss at this hour in the morning, he did what he was told.

Getting out of his pajamas, he slipped into the next best thing. Blue jeans and a hoodie. It was true that he hardly got to wear them, but when the rare occasion came, he took advantage of it.

He staggered out of his room, half asleep, and made his way to Sir Helsing's office.

When he opened the door, he wasn't surprised at what he saw.

Alucard was happily mounted in a comfy chair, his boot-clad feet resting on the coffee table. Walter was standing obediently by Integra's window. Seras, was looking at him in a puzzled manner, as if to say, 'What the heck are you wearing?'. And Integra was seated behind her desk, glaring at him.

Of course, they were all dressed in their normal attire, leaving Pip as the oddball in his baggy garments.

"Bernadette. Sit," Integra commanded.

Alucard chuckled as Pip, being groggy, made an attempt to sit but completely missed the sofa.

"Now," Integra said. "Anderson is infiltrating a spot near us, and I would like to stop it before it begins.. So-"

Everyone except for Alucard jumped as a deafening clap of thunder was heard from outside. Integra paused as big raindrops pounded the roof.

"-so, I'm sending Bernadette and the Wild Geese to verify what exactly is happening out there and ward off the enemy."

"Wha-? ME? No way! Do you hear ze weather outside?!" Pip argued, suddenly awake.

"Yes. Who wouldn't hear it?… But, as strong as the storm may be, you and your fleet are going out there."

"But- but what about Zeras and Alucard? What are zey going to do?"

"They're coming too."

Seras groaned and Alucard rolled his eyes. They clearly wanted to go as much as Pip did..

"All-right then. The discussion is over. Go get on you uniform Bernadette and report with your soldiers at the main gate."

Pip felt his temper rise. "I have to go wake them all one by one?"

"No! Of course not. That's Walter's job," Integra snapped.

Pip watched as Walter's body stiffened. Evidently, the butler had been trying to remain out of the conversation as well.

About half an hour later, Captain Pip, Seras and Alucard found themselves standing outside the front gate in the hammering rain, waiting for a fleet of soldiers.

Alucard was casually leaning on a nearby brick wall, surveying the weather.

Seras stared at Pip, who seemed to be shivering slightly.

"Pip?" she asked.

"Yez?" he answered, looking at his water-proof watch.

"You seem cold.. Did you bring a coat?"

"No. My thin uniform was ze only one clean.. Why? Would you like to warm me up?" The French-man put on one of his most ridicules grins.

Seras's brow furrowed to a frown. "I have my limit Pip. Don't push it."

Pip looked satisfied with her answer as Alucard looked up, blood red eyes glinting under his fedora. He narrowed them at what seemed to be at Pip, then darted them to the front door.

Captain Bernadette glanced back at where Alucard's eyes had wandered. His crew marched loyally up to him. His most reliable soldier, Charlie, in the lead. They were all decked-out in strong, rain-repellant coats (the thing Pip should have wore..) and heavy-duty boots.

"Hey Captain! How goes it?" Charlie inquired brightly, as if it was a beautiful, sunny day in the afternoon.

Pip was in no mood for Charlie's overly energetic attitude. "Don't look zo eager," the captain said, shaking rain drops from his hat. "We are going on a grave mission at three AM. How can you be zo happy?"

Charlie shrugged. "I don't know.."

Seras smiled, her blue, sparkling eyes dancing. "Well, his attitude is better than yours!"

Alucard finally spoke up, deep baritone voice echoing, despite the pressing rain. "Can we just go already?"

Around 3:45 they found the spot that Integra had specified. An abandon warehouse.

"Stay close.." Pip told his fleet, loading his weapon.

As they walked, they all left muddy tracks and puddles of water. Pip shuddered involuntarily as a chill went down his back. He knew he should have put on something warmer and rain-resistant…

Only when he ran straight into Alucard's back did his mind crash back to earth.

"What are you doing? Why did you ztop?" he asked the vampire.

Alucard cynically replied, "No reason…. Why do you think, you bonehead?"

Pip peered around the No-Life King to find a upsetting sight.

Alexander Anderson had apparently been waiting for them to show. And he had not been waiting alone. The menace had brought with him an army of his friends.

"Ah.. Finally," he said in a savoring tone. "You're a wee bit late you know."

"Cut the act, Anderson. You don't want us to get ugly, do you?" Alucard asked wearing one of his famous smirks.

"No! By all means! Get ugly… or rather, uglier. If that is possible for you.."

That comment began the battle…. A long, long battle. (Anderson has a lot of friends.) (ps. I stink at battle scenes.. Bear with me! )

Captain Bernadette had managed to get to Anderson, who had been wondering when an opponent would survive long enough to make it to him.

"You ready to loze?" Pip asked, fingering his gun.

"That depends.. Are you?" Alexander answered, holding up his knives.

Pip was working hard at beating the main enemy. Or at least stall him until Alucard arrived..

Sadly, it wasn't very long until Anderson had cornered him and was preparing to run him through. The Captain was able to dodge it unscathed, but his hair wasn't as lucky…

In effort to evade the attack, the French-man had preformed sort of a twirl deal. Anderson had aimed for Pip's head, so, he missed his scalp and caught his hair, resulting in chopping most of it off… And he was now laughing about it.

Pip, fuming and unable to think straight, discarded his weapon and began fighting physically. He steamrolled Anderson to the ground.

Pip got in a couple good shots at first because Anderson was caught off-guard. But when the Scottish adversary got an opening, he went at Pip as well.

By the time Alucard had got there, the two men were fighting like school boys, rolling around on the floor, hitting each other and shouting things like, "You're goin' down!" and "You fight like a girl!"

Alucard pried Pip from the action and flung him aside, taking matters into his own hands….

The match was soon ended when Anderson ran for it, vowing he'd be back.

Seras shook her head. "Too bad he got away.."

"Yeah," Charlie sighed, folding his arms. "And Captain was doin' so good too.."

"Shut-up Charlie. I'm humiliated enough already," the said Captain retorted, feeling how short his hair had gotten.

"Show's over. Let's get out of here. I've got more important things to do," Alucard growled. With that comment issued, he strolled over to the warehouse entrance.

Seras faithfully pursued, followed by a ill-tempered Pip and his soldiers.


	2. Chapter 2

NEW CHAP(2): "Getting Sick"

When the party finally arrived at Helsing Manor, Pip felt dreadful.

All his hair was gone, he was cold and soaking wet, and he was sure Integra wasn't going to be happy since they hadn't vanquished the enemy.

He shivered involuntarily again as he felt an icy coldness settle into his bones.

Pip sighed, pulling his collar closer to his neck as the rain thumped his body. _ I hope I'm not coming down with anything… _He thought.

Alucard stopped suddenly, and Pip, deep in thought, ran into him again.

"Ow. Will you quit ztopping zo zuddenly?" he asked, rubbing his fore-head.

"Will you quit running into me?" Alucard snapped back, losing patience.

"WILL YOU TWO QUIT FIGHTING?!" Seras screamed as thunder cracked in the back round.

They both fell silent.

"Well," Charlie called from the rear of the crowd. "Are we there yet?"

"Sit still Bernadette."

As soon as they all got back, Integra started to straighten out Pip's hair. When Anderson hacked it off, he had done it rather sloppily. It was all layered wrong and it was different lengths in separate spots.

He was a mess.

Everything was going all-right, though. Integra was almost finished and was agreeing to let the whole fleet have the day off because of their early start. Until-

Suddenly, a powerful tickle welled up in the back of Pip's nose. He instinctively shut his eyes and brought his hand to his face.

"HEHEETISSHH!" Pip's body flew forward on the impact of his violent sneeze.

"BERNADETTE, you dim-witted bum! Look what you made me do!"

The French-man wiped his nose on the sleeve of his dripping jacket.

"What did I do now?" he groaned.

"You made me mess up. I was almost done, now I have to start over… Next time you have to sneeze or something, let me know so I can quit cutting….. I could have sliced your ear off!"

Integra gave a glare for extra emphasis, harshly shoving Pip's head forward as to angle it so she could better see it, and was about to resume cutting when Pip held up a finger. "Wait," he told her.

He brought his arm to his face and after a wavering breath, sneezed three times.

"Finished?" Integra asked, annoyed.

Pip managed to shake his head. The last one seemed to take forever. "Eh….Eh… Eh-EHEEATISSHH!"

He rocked frontward again and began to feel around for a handkerchief, tissue, anything to hold off the onslaught of his sneezing

"Bless you, Captain… I think you should get out of those clothes. You're sick enough as it is," Integra said. She quickly pulled out a hankie from her breast pocket with two fingers and held it out to him. Pip took it gratefully and pressed it to his nose.

"No," he remarked, his voice muffled from the white linen. "Juzt fix my hair firzt. I'll be fine…"

Integra shrugged.

"All-right then. If that's what you want."

By the time Integra was done, Pip's hair was above his ears….. And he still was wet, cold, and tired.

He changed into the hoodie and jeans he had been wearing earlier and packed his pockets with tissues. _Just in case.._ he considered. And with that, he left his quarters and headed to the kitchen for breakfast. It was only 7:23am.

On the way, he watched in vain as Seras turned the corner. Pip really didn't want to talk to her at the moment. To tell you the truth, he was a bit embarrassed about the condition he was in. Ghetto duds, tired-looking, and in the process of a nasty head-cold, who wouldn't be?

--------

Seras was walking to her bedroom. It was getting late, and she was getting sleepy. Yawning, she stared ahead. What she saw surprised her.

It looked like some mangled teenager that had just woken up. She wondered vaguely if he was an early recruit… The young fledgling decided to greet the newcomer.

"Hi!" she called.

----------

Pip winced. She had spotted him. He scanned his options. He could run, say hi back, or completely ignore her…

_Choices…Choices.._

-----------

"I'm Seras Victoria! And I-" Seras stopped. On closer inspection, she noticed it was Pip. Captain Pip Bernadette..

"Pip," she voiced, less enthusiastic. "I- I didn't recognize you!"

"Fanzy zat," the French-man replied under his breath as he whizzed by her.

Seras stared, puzzled. The normal Pip would have been trying to make a move on her. Why wasn't he trying to make a move her?

-----------

Pip cursed as another fierce prickle returned to his nose. He hadn't cleared the hallway yet! He tried his best to suppress it, but he failed utterly.

"_**HEHEEAACHEISSHH!**_"

----------

Seras spun around upon hearing the noise. "Bless you, Pip!" she yelled to him.

----------

"Dankz," he replied. Pip stopped when hearing his retort. Dankz? Between his accent and his congestion, no one would be able to understand him..

The rest of the day went on rather like that. Pip mostly just avoiding everybody… He conked out around 6:00pm..

"Captain?…. Captain… Pip, wake up."

Pip awoke to somebody shaking him. He was considerably startled to find himself still in his hoodie and jeans, collapsed on his mattress. He could have sworn he had put on pajamas and gotten into bed.

Judging on how dry his throat felt, he had most likely slept with his mouth open. Pip tried to breathe through his nose, but it was no use. He was defiantly clogged-up.

"Ah, Captain…. Are you awake now?" Walter asked, taking liberty into poking him.

Pip was about to answer when an aggressive sneezing fit overtook him.

"HEHETISSH! HEHTIISSHH!!"

Walter smiled.

"I take it as a yes… Sir Helsing wanted me to inform you that, due to you coming down ill, she will not be forcing you into coming to work today."

"I'b dot ill… Why would she zdink zdat?" Pip responded, rubbing his nose again. He didn't like Walter all up in his grill and in his business. Didn't this guy have to be somewhere?..

Walter raised an eyebrow at the stubborn young Captain. "Well, for one, you don't sound very good. Two, when you didn't show-up for call time today, Sir Integra suspected you had slept in, which you hardly ever do. And three, she had already expected you to come down with a nasty cold. The way that you were blundering around yesterday…"

Pip felt his face grow hot with fever and embarrassment. He didn't like people to fuss over him. He could take care of himself and no one needed to worry about it…

"I'b find.. Juzt tired iz all!" he said, sitting up.

Walter raised his other eyebrow and shook his head unbelievably.

"You don't want the day off?!"

"Doe! Of courze zdot!"

"Really? I would give anything to get a day off!"

"Well den," Mr. Bernadette replied, clamoring to his feet. "I guess zdat goes to show you are a desperate old ban wid DOE HONOR LEFT IND HIS BODY."

Walter took a step back, sensing Pip's hostility. He was obviously in a rotten mood, and didn't want this kind of attention drawn to him… didn't want people drawn to his exploited weakness. The butler nodded curtly, then speedily turned and left the room.

When Pip was sure Walter was gone, he pulled out a tissue and blew his nose, hoping to loosen some of the congestion.

The Captain really didn't want to go anywhere, but he didn't want people worrying about him either… What should he do?

Getting up, he groaned under his breath. His legs felt like jelly and his torso like lead. His head was pounding and he could barely get in a decent deep breath without having to cough.

Nevertheless, he was going to work, no matter how bad he felt..

---

Fifteen minutes later he was dressed and ready in warm, thick attire. During his dressing process, he caught himself falling asleep when we was putting on his shirt. There was no hiding that he was still extremely fatigued. But he would do his best to make less noticeable.

---

While walking down the hall, he blew his nose some more, trying to get as much out as he possibly could before people started interacting with him.

Sadly, he misinterpreted how much time he actually had….

Seras rounded the corner.

---

Seras was planning on going to go out and help the Captain in the fields. He had been acting rather odd yesterday, and she wanted to see how long the behavior would last. It seemed like a good temporary hobby… As she turned the corner she ran directly into the oddball himself.  
"Oh! Hi Pip! I was go-"

Seras paused as she noticed how terrible Pip looked. He was considerably paler than usual, and his nose and cheeks were both a bright pink. He was walking unsteadily and looked so tired. She felt a large wave of concern course through her body.  
"Pip… You look awful. I was suspecting you might catch a chill. But, really, you ought not go to work today. I'll take care of the troops.."  
Pip quickly wiped his nose and shoved his handkerchief into his jacket pocket.  
"I'b find- I mean… I'm fine. It iz just a zlight caze of zniffles.."  
Seras shook her head and, as though an unknown force had made her, she laid her hand on his fore head. She was surprised when she withdrew it quickly. His fore-head felt burning hot.  
"You feel hot.."  
Pip quickly recoiled, keeping away from her.  
"I'm fine, I zaid! Why do you even want to be around me? I zought you hated me!"  
Sears pulled back, appalled. It was true there were times when Pip got on her nerves, and freaked her out with his flirtatious attitude, but she had _never_ **hated** him. And she was surprised it had ever come across that way.  
Pip had seemed to think conversation was terminated. He had said the cold, hard truth and she was stunned to silence by it… _Oh, well…Easier get-away!_ he thought. As he made a move to leave, Seras snapped back to reality.  
"Pip! I don't hate you! What gave you an idea like that?"

He shrugged, wanting just to go outside and yell at people.. It would make him feel better.

"No, really Captain. Do you really think I hate you?"

Seras felt very guilty and rather hurt about what Pip thought about her. Was she really that mean to him?

Pip could easily pick up the complicated emotions on a woman's face. He knew he had cut Seras deep with his comment, and she wanted to contradict him.

"Answer me, Pip. Do you think I hate you?"  
"Zeras, I-"

All speaking stopped when Alucard came striding around the corner, grinning when he caught sight of Pip.

"Good morning, Frenchy. You are looking quite chipper today."

Pip could almost feel Alucard's sarcasm hit him in the face. Seras watched cautiously as the vampire looked the Captain over, a disdainful countenance on his face.

"I should've known a pathetic human like yourself would succumb to the weak germs of the mortal race…"

Seras stared as Pip's face turned a lovely shade of magenta.

"I'm not zick! I'm fine.. Just a little ti-.. tir-.."

Seras watched Alucard's lips curl into a smug grin as Pip struggled with the oncoming sneeze.

"Heh.. Heh… **HEH**.. _**HEHHATISSHHH**_!!!"

Alucard stepped away, in fear of getting sprayed. He scoffed at Pip.

"The human way of relieving itself of nasal irritation is utterly disgusting.."

The No-Life King scrutinized Pip as he miserably rubbed his nose with the back of his sleeve.

"Pathetic.. Completely pathetic," Alucard growled, as he faded through the floor.

Seras looked over at Pip, who was already running the other way.. He needed a tissue.. REALLY BADLY..

"Pip! Wait! You don't have to be embarrassed," she called after him.

But Pip kept running. Seras probably didn't remember the terribly humiliating occurrences when you REALLY needed to wipe your nose.. And he didn't feel much like enlightening her memory.

He zipped down the hall, the Men's room in sight. A sharp turn left and he would be home free.. That is, unless his stupid boss hadn't gotten in the way.

Integra came from the Women's room on the right side, running almost directly into Pip.

"Captain? What are you-?… Why are you covering your face?"

"Excuse me," Pip's muffled voice came, eager to get by.

"But why-?… OH! I'm sorry!" Integra replied, finally understanding.

Pip nodded graciously, not to mention a bit embarrassed as he slipped through the door. No sooner had he gone in when Seras Victoria came wheeling down the hall.

"Where'd Pip go?" she asked.

"Bathroom," Integra answered, beginning to head for her office.

"Wait!" Seras called, running back up to her.

"What?"

"I was just wondering, do think Pip is all right?"

Integra almost laughed.

"Are you kidding? Of course he is! Just has a cold, is all. Why?"

"Well, he hasn't been so, well, "fresh".. If you know what I mean."

Seras shrugged sheepishly as Integra's eyebrows flew up in mild surprise. But it was true. Seras was clueless in the reason why Pip was acting so cagey lately.

"He's sick, that's why."

"So?"

"Senior Victoria, I'm sure you don't remember the times when you were ill, if there were any.. But, it's not a very pleasant process. He's probably avoiding you because he doesn't want you to see him in such a weak state.. And doesn't help that Alucard keeps ridiculing him."

Seras pondered this for a moment. Maybe Pip really _was _ashamed of his condition. After all, he hardly ever displayed frailty in front of her, unless Alucard was around that is. But even then, he never acted extremely weak. Maybe she should leave him alone.. Then again, he was in need of help, even though he was in denial.  
At that moment, Pip emerged from the bathroom, rubbing his nose vigorously with the cuff of his sleeve. He paused in mid-rub when he caught Seras and Integra staring at him. Why was everybody stalking him? He just wanted to be left alone!

"Uh, hello," Pip said warily.

"Afternoon," Integra replied, again heading towards her office.

Seras watched Integra go, turning to Pip only when she was out of sight.

"Pi-"

Only, when she turned, Pip wasn't there. He was already tearing the other way.

"PIP! WAIT!" she yelled, running after him. But Pip could have gone without waiting.. Unfortunately, his body didn't give him the choice. The Captain suddenly found himself a bit dizzy and was forced to lean up against a wall to catch his breath, giving Seras a chance to catch up to him.  
"Pip?"  
Mr. Bernadette only shook his head as he panted sliding further down the wall. Seras immediately reached for him, to pull him up, but held up a hand and wheezed, "I juzt need to zit for a zecond… I'll be okay."

But his weak remark didn't really reassure Seras he was okay. It only made her worry. Pip was far too stubborn and prideful to admit defeat. If he was in a serious condition, she needed to know he'd tell her.

Pip could read the expression on her face like a book. She was concerned. Which… really wasn't bad. Pip liked her attention, yes.. And he would try to acquire it any spare chance he got. But, this wasn't attention.. It was pity. And that was one thing Pip would rather not have offered to him. Still, who said compromises couldn't be made?  
"Zeras," he said quietly, taking his hand and gently forcing her to look at his face. "How about zis, you leave me alone when the time for Troop Practice comez along, and I promize to go ztraight to my room and zleep. All right? Iz zat good enough?"  
Seras stared at how drained and haggard he looked. If she left him alone for a few measly hours, he'd go to bed and give his body a chance to recoup. Yeah, it sounded good.. The weather was nice and actually a bit hot, so he couldn't get sicker.. So maybe-  
"Yes," Seras replied. "That sounds perfect."

Pip smiled at her weakly and struggled to get up. She again reached out to assist him, but he pulled away, saying softly, "I'm fine," and heaved himself up. Using the wall for a support, he managed to obtain his normally strong stride as he walked, in his hoodie and baggy jeans, to the barracks.


	3. Chapter 3

Captain Bernadette was coming very close to collapsing at this point. Due to the fact that he was sick, he constantly felt cold and stiff. So, he bundled up in thick clothing to keep heat from escaping his body. But, in reality, the normal temperature outside was well over 70 degrees Fahrenheit… And Mr. Bernadette had a high fever.  
In conclusion, Pip's brain told him he was cold by giving him the shivers, and his body told him he was hot by sweating. Not to mention that that annoying, persistent itch kept prickling through his nose, forcing him to rub it often.

His fleet had noticed that their Captain was sick, but no one would _dare_ mention it, fearing for their jobs. They knew better, all except for the new recruit.

"Hey! Captain! You're looking a little pale. Are you okay?" Charlie asked.  
Pip spun around so quickly he came close to losing his balance.

"I-.. I do not know what you are talking about!" Pip yelled, his voice scratchy.

"Sure you do, Captain. I mean, c'mon.. You're tired, pale, sweaty- OW!"

Charlie rubbed his ribcage where an older soldier had elbowed him.

Captain Bernadette wiped sweat from his forehead. This was torture, pure torture. He was hot, he was cold, his stomach hurt, his head throbbed, his chest was heavy, he was tired, yet he couldn't sleep and he couldn't get rid of this infernal tickle! The Captain scrubbed at his nose again, wincing at how dry it felt. He sniffed, realizing he needed to blow his nose again. Reaching into one pocket, then the other, he came up empty handed. He cursed in French at his bad luck. He really didn't want to go inside to find another. And at this point, he didn't care if the Wild Geese watched him blow out his snot or not.

"Hey," Pip said. "Does anyone have a tissue?"

Pip watched as every one of his soldiers dug into their pockets… And found nothing. Pip cursed again and looked as though he was about to say something, when he felt that insistent tickle come to it's destination.

As it verged on him, an involuntary shudder ran through his body, then he-

- - -

Sears watched curiously from a barrack window as Pip sneezed again. The young vampire smiled as he struggled to regain his rugged composure. She couldn't help but find it charming the way he sneezed.

Seras sighed, wishing she could be out there to help him. She was worried he would get over-heated… Of course, when she had asked to help, he had reminded her of their agreement and told her to do something else. So, she had. Spying on him was something else, right? As she kept an eye on him, she noticed that Pip was walking toward the barracks.

_What for? _Seras thought.

Then, on closer inspection, she noticed that he had covered his nose with his hand.

_He must need a tissue…_

- - -

Pip walked in to find Seras offering him a box of tissues right on the other side of the door. He jumped and gave a small yelp of astonishment.

"Zeras! Don't zneak up on me like zat!"  
"Tissues?" Seras offered, holding out the box.

Pip rolled his eyes and took the entire box gruffly. He was too miserable to care if Seras saw him blow his nose. As he took two tissues out of the box, he noticed Seras just standing there, staring. Well, now he was starting to care. He couldn't blow his nose with her hovering there and watching his every move. It was making him uncomfortable.

"Don't you have zomezing to do?" he asked, putting the tissues to his nose.  
"No," Seras replied.

"Well, can't you go _find_ zomezing?"  
"…. Why? Am I bothering you?"  
"A little, yez."

"And how is that, exactly?"  
Seras was getting a little annoyed. She wasn't doing anything! Why did he want her to go? Was he embarrassed?… AGAIN?..

Pip sighed and gave up on making Seras leave. But, he thought he should at least warn her first.

"I really don't zink you want to hear me blow my noze."

Seras shrugged. "I don't mind."  
"All right, then.."  
Pip took a deep breath and blew as hard as he could. Seras winced at the wet sound.

"Told you," he grumbled, his voice muffled.

He wiped his nose and repeated the procedure several times. The young fledgling frowned at how he flinched when he blew. It seemed painful.

"Does that hurt you?" she asked worriedly.  
Pip sniffed loudly as he threw the dirty tissues away. Then, beginning to yank more from the box and shove them into his pockets, he answered her.

"My noze is juzt zore from all zee blowing and ztuff. It happenz when you are zick."

"Oh," Seras replied. She didn't like the idea of Pip hurting himself by blowing his nose.

Pip saw the troubled look on her face.

"Well, it doesn't hurt ZAT bad. It iz juzt a little dry," he reassured her, sniffling and rubbing his overly-sensitive nose. It was beginning to act up again. Something was bothering it, and whatever the irritation was, his nose wanted it out. But Pip really didn't want to sneeze. He knew it was going to hurt because of how tender his nose was. Nevertheless, it was coming.

Seras observed how weak Pip's features became when he had to sneeze. Watching him slowly bring his hands to his face, she waited for the expected…

But it never came.

Pip stopped his hands about three inches from his face and froze.. Just froze.

"Ztuck," Pip growled under his breath. He huffed a sharp breath through his nose and flinched as the ticklish sensation flitted through his sinuses and came to rest at the bridge of his nose and itched. He twitched and wrinkled his nose, trying to coax it out. Pip found things like this bothersome. Seras, however, found it adorable.

"Aww! That was so CUTE!" she squealed.

"Huh?.." Pip really wasn't paying attention. Despite the fact that the sneeze of course wasn't moving, it felt like it was growing. At this rate, it was going to be huge..

"The way you twitched your nose! I-It was cute."  
Pip managed a shaky smile and nodded.

_She thought that was cute? _he wondered.

Seras cocked her head and beamed as Pip took another wavering breath, then cursed in French.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

Pip shook his head and sniffed. "Ztuck," was all he could get out.

"What do you mean?"  
"A zneeze…. iz ztuck…. in my noze," he explained between sniffles.

Seras seemed very interested in the concept of a stuck sneeze. She had hardly ever gotten sick as a child, and when she did, her colds were usually full of sore throats and coughs, not sneezes. She could vaguely remember having to sneeze once, but couldn't. She wondered if that was what he was talking about.

"You mean you can't sneeze?"  
"Well, it iz rather difficult…… right now.. yez," Pip mumbled, twitching his nose again.

As Seras stared at him, a wonderful idea popped into her strawberry-blonde head. She started towards him.

"Maybe I can help."

- - -

Pip felt his pulse involuntarily quicken. What did she think she was doing? Why was she looking at him like that?

"H-How do you plan to do zaaa….aahhh.."  
Pip paused and sniffed a few times… Nope, still stuck.

"How do I plan to do that?" she asked. "Oh. I don't know. I've got something in mind."

Pip started backing up as she continued towards him. He stopped when he hit the wall.

Seras giggled. He looked like a fuzzy animal cornered by its predator… But why? You'd think he wouldn't mind a little flirting. Was he embarrassed? No, not embarrassed. More along the lines of scared…. Now, THAT was weird. He always wanted her attention. Now he was finally getting it.

Pip was trying not to look frightened of her. But, he had gone from "perverted Frenchman" to "cute" so fast, he was at a loss of what to do.. He was supposed to be _enjoying_ this! It was what he had always wanted, right?.. Maybe not… Now that he was finally confronted with this wonderful situation, he was beginning to wonder if it was really what he wanted.

He pressed himself against the wall as Seras came to a stop roughly a foot from him.

"Why so scared, Captain? Isn't this what you always wanted?"

Pip averted his dull, tired gaze to the floor. The sneeze was still building… It was starting to feel more like a mild explosion than a bodily function.

Seras took a step toward him, her deep, red eyes flashing.

"I only wish to help."

Seras was thoroughly getting pleasure from this spectacle. Pip displaying _this_ sort of weakness was rare. Apparently, he wasn't as smooth with the ladies as everyone was lead to believe. Still, Seras did feel a slight attraction regarding him. His new fluffy, short hair, fused together with his recent demonstration of shyness near her really brought out his youthful appearance and true character. She liked it.

Taking a few more steps toward him, she found herself within ten centimeters of his body. Due to her enhanced senses, she could feel the fever radiating off his skin.

- - -

Pip shivered. There were many reasons being this close to her bothered him.

1) She was in direct sneezing range. If he suddenly was overwhelmed by the tickle, she was doomed.

2) Alucard might not be very happy to see him so close to her.

3) (MOST IMPORTANTLY) It was making him _really _uncomfortable. Why? He wish he knew..

Seras smiled as Pip twitched his nose again. Then, she took one more step.. She was now five centimeters from Pip's face.  
"S…Seras.. What are you-.."  
Seras's smile widened as she put a finger over his lips.. After that, without hesitation, she began to lean forward… And, she rubbed noses with him.

Pip immediately felt the maddening itch grow substantially larger and catapult backward to the most sensitive portion of his nose.

Seras managed to catch the wave of surprise that passed over Pip's face before his nose began to spasm into tiny twitches… She thought it was the cutest thing she ever seen..

Then, the Captain relinquished a vicious, but satisfying, "_HEHACTCHTISSHH_!"

Luckily, he had made sure he had turned the other way, as to not spray her.

Seras giggled again and was about to approach him when he broke out into a violent fit.

"HEHTISSHH!! HEHEETISH!! HA..HAHTTISSHHHH!!!"

.. It went on for several minutes. And Seras saw how exhausted and fatigued he became with each one. What had she done?  
When Pip finally finished, his eyes were bleary and red as well as his hands being over his mouth and nose.

"Bless," Seras mumbled, a bit shocked.  
Pip nodded, and quickly headed towards the barrack showers.

_He must need a tissue again_.. Seras thought.

She listened to him blow for a second or two, then turned when she heard the thunder of feet coming from outside. The troops were coming in.

"Hello, Police Girl."

Seras jumped as Alucard phased through the ceiling.

"Master!.. You startled me. Wh-What are you doing here?"

"I came to find Frenchy. Master wants him in her office," he replied, surveying the area. He could vaguely hear someone sneezing in the Men's room over the stampede outside. "Is he in the bathroom?"  
"Yes," she said just as fifteen dozen soldiers busted through the doors.

Alucard nodded, and vanished.

- - -

"Frenchy.. Frenchman.. Frenchman?"

When Alucard had materialized inside the bathroom, he was unprepared to find Pip on the floor against the wall, hugging his knees, with his head down.

"Frenchman?…."

Alucard discreetly speculated that he was dead before he noticed that the Captain was breathing. He was asleep. Just sleeping.. On the floor of a filthy bathroom..

_The fool must really be tired…_ Alucard thought.

He kicked him lightly.

"Wake up, Frenchman," he commanded.

Then, he kicked a bit harder.

"C'mon already, fool. Up."

Alucard glared down at him and sighed. Even though Alucard was insane and cruel, he wasn't heartless.. So, he sort of regretted doing this, but-

"FRENCHMAN!!!!!"

Pip's head snapped up so fast that it hit the wall. He groaned with pain.

"Get up. Master wants you upstairs in her office."

Pip was too beat and worn-out to talk, let alone argue. So, struggling to get up, he made his way slowly to the door.

Alucard didn't bother helping him. He may have a heart, but it was a very small one.. Besides, he was Dracula, not some demented Boy Scout. He couldn't bother helping old ladies across the street.. Or Pip across the bathroom.

"Captain Bernadette. You are a very good soldier, and a.. fairly.. honorable man. Therefore, I want you to always to look and feel your best during battles, training, and the day in general."

Integra was giving him a lecture, and rather shocked that he was actually listening to her.. Or at least being good and pretending to anyway.

"You are ill, fatigued, and in NO state to fight nor conduct training. I admit, it probably wasn't my best idea to send you and the other troops out in the rain at 2:00 am.. But it was YOUR responsibility to wear the proper apparel, not mine."

Pip nodded and twitched his nose, subsequently rubbing it.

A corner of Integra's mouth went upward slightly. She had to admit, it was somewhat cute.

"Furthermore, trying to continue training was a RIDICULES thought! You only succeeded in making yourself sicker! So, I am sentencing you to a whole week in bed. You will not come out in uniform at any time during that period. The most action YOU will get in a day is a seven-step stroll to the restroom. Is that understood?"

Pip massaged his forehead and nodded again.

"Good… Now, off to bed with you."

Walter hummed the tune to an old song as he cooked. This was always the most relaxing portion of the day.. The time of day when he could-

He jumped as the door 'KA-BLANGED' against the wall.

"I just want to know where he went, Master!"

"Since when do _I_ have to answer to _you_, Police Girl?"

".. Since I REALLY wanted you to!"

"Why do you suddenly _care_ so much about the stupid French pervert anyway?"

"……"

"There we go. That wasn't so hard, now wa-"

"THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!"  
Walter cringed at her shrill screech.

"May I inquire what all the fuss is about?"  
"Police Girl has a crush on the Frenchman."

"NO I DON'T! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE HE WENT!!"

"QUIT YOUR INFURIATING SHRIEK AND I'LL TELL YOU!!!"

Walter sighed and began to tend to his cooking again. There was no happy-medium with those two..

"Good. Integra wanted to speak with him about something. Don't ask me what, because I don't know," Alucard told her.

Seras looked downward. "Oh."

Alucard tried to read her mind to know what she was thinking, but he couldn't seem to get through.. It was almost like he was getting static. Some new and complex emotion was clouding her mind.

"Was he all right?"

"What?"

"Was he all right when you found him on the bathroom floor?"

Alucard shrugged.

"Sleeping when I found him.. So, he's not hurt physically. Mentally, I'm a little worried," he grinned.  
"Why is that?" she asked.

"He was on the FLOOR of a public, BARRACK bathroom. Goodness knows what's on the ground in there.."

Seras sighed exasperatedly.. But, he did have a point.

Pip felt the warm water wash over him. It felt good. Real good. It was loosening his congestion and relieving any aches and pains he felt. This was _exactly_ what he needed..

He leaned against the edge of the wall of the shower and closed his eyes as the hot water ran across his chest. He was tempted to fall asleep right then and there, and probably would have if-  
"Pip!"  
Pip jumped and almost slipped. Seras could be SO loud sometimes..

"What?"

"Is that you?"  
"Yez, Zeras.. It'z me. What do you need?"  
"I was checking on you. Do you need anything?"

"No, Zeras. I juzt want to have a shower. Okay?"

"Oh.. Okay.. Yell if you need something!  
Pip heard the sound of soft footsteps dying off in the distance. It wasn't that he didn't like Seras's company, it was just that he was not dressed, tired, in the shower and her voice was a little loud…..

Pip could have stayed in the shower forever, but he was sleepy and he wanted his bed more. So, he turned off the water, wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the door.

- - -

Seras came face to face with Pip's bare chest.. Which was slightly awkward.

Pip jumped and let out a soft yelp.

"Zeras! Wha-?.. What are you-"

"OH! Pip! I'm SORRY!" Seras screamed. She was creeped-out that she found him somewhat more attractive without a shirt on.

Pip edged his way around her.

"Zat iz all right… Uh, why were you standing right outside ze door anyway?"

Seras laughed nervously and rubbed the back of her neck. "Oh.. No reason. I-.. Master wanted me to refill the toilet paper roll again! Hehehe…"

Pip raised an eyebrow at her, and smiled crookedly.

"Well, I'm going to bed. I'll zee you later."

"Bye, Captain," Seras said as he walked away. And she smiled when he turned back and grinned.

Alucard watched uninterestingly as Seras threw various condiments into a big boiling pot. She had convinced Walter that Integra had wanted him to swab down the dungeons, so she could get to the stove.

"Police Girl. What are you doing?" the vampire asked.

"Cooking soup," she replied proudly.

Alucard scowled and held back a growl. "May I ask who _for_?"

"Pip."

That made him stand up and strode over to her.

"Just what exactly _what_ are you putting in there?"

"Yummy things!"

Alucard looked visibly disappointed at her comment. But then, his pout turned into an evil grin. He began to rummage through his coat.

Seras looked back at him. "What are _you_ doing?"

"Looking for something.. Just keep tending to your lovely.. whatever you are making.."

Seras glared at him suspiciously, but did what she was told. What did she care about what he was doing? And that's what she thought, until he started trying to pour something out of a vial into the pot. She pushed him away before anything dropped in.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Attempting to poison Bernadette. Why?"

"MASTER!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

"Aw.. Why not? I'm not HURTING anyone."

"You'd KILL someone!"  
Alucard sneered and dropped the vial back into his coat pocket.

"Fine then. It will be a treat for when I'm bored."

Seras glared at him again. "I'm not letting you poison him."

"Police Girl!" Alucard groaned, getting irritated. "This isn't even POISON!! I'd be worse than dead if I killed Bernadette!"

"Oh.. Then what is it?"

"_This_," he said, dangling the vial in front of her face. "is a liquefied sleeping drug."

"Why, may I ask, are you carrying one of THOSE around?"

"I have my reasons.."

"Master, you are very creepy."

"Yes, I know Police Girl."

"…. You understand, Master, that I-.." Seras was abruptly cut off mid-sentence by the noisy, consistent beep of the smoke alarm.. Her food was burning.

She quickly rushed over and turned off the stove. Then, without any oven-mitts, lifted the soup over to the counter.

"Ouch!.. Hot!" she squeaked as she sat the pot down.

Alucard towered over her to inspect it. "You burnt SOUP, Police Girl.. Who burns SOUP?… Is it even possible for a sane person to actually BURN soup?"

"Leave me alone, Master! You were the one who was distracting me!"

"Me? I did nothing."  
"Did too!"  
"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not."

"Oh! You are SO stubborn!"

At this point in the conversation, Alucard let loose a baritone chuckle that echoed in the depths of the kitchen.

"Me? Stubborn?.. Please, Police Girl! YOU are the one who is stubborn!"

Walter came back in and let out a loud, exasperated sigh. He had had enough.

"Please! Might you continue your lovely banter somewhere else?"

Alucard and Seras both stopped arguing and looked up, mutually about to say something when a harsh sneeze was heard from the entrance. They all looked up to find Pip groggily stumbling toward the fridge. He was wearing only boxers, but was shivering and had a large, thick blanket draped over his soldiers.

Alucard laughed, eager for some entertainment. "Well, well, well… Look who the cat drug in!"

Pip's body tensed, but he didn't answer. He moved from the fridge to the cabinets.

"Pip! _There_ you are! I was wondering when you'd be dressed and ready for dinner," Seras said sweetly.

"Do you need help finding something, Captain?" Walter asked.

Pip shook his head quickly, then wincing after. It felt like a fire alarm was whanging in his head, growing louder with sudden movements. He wished he was asleep so he wouldn't have to deal with this kind of garbage.

Seras skipped over to him, laying a hand on his forehead. But, he pulled away from her. The last thing he needed right now was more pity.

"Pip! You're temperature's really high.. You need to go lie down."

Pip shook his head again, pulling out a bottle of Tylenol PM. He was SO not in the mood for this. He didn't want pity, he didn't want attention, all he wanted sleep.. And maybe a REALLY strong drink.

"Hey, Frenchy! I'm TALKING to you!" Alucard mocked.

Pip slammed the medication down on the counter and spun around.

"WHAD! WHAD DO YOU WAND!?" he screamed hoarsely, voice full of congestion.

Alucard stared for a moment, then busted out into side-splitting laughter. Hearing Pip's distorted voice was all he had wanted.

Pip fumed for a moment, then snatched up his Tylenol and shivered as a hot flash spread throughout his body. Beginning to feel sticky, he let the blanket fall on the floor. Seras let out a soft gasp at Pip's glistening biceps as Integra suddenly walked in.

"PIP!!!"

Pip jumped and cringed at the voice. His head throbbed against his skull.

"Whad?" he asked.

Integra stood, angry at Pip for disobeying her orders. She glared at his face. His sweet, innocent face. Framed perfectly with his new, short hair and the sun in the window behind him. Then, her eyes drifted unintentionally onto his chest. She had to admit, he had a lot more muscle than his uniform allowed others to see. It had been so long since she had actually see a man without a shirt on.. Her eyes began to drift down a bit further, when-

"Whad!? Do you wand sombezing?"

Integra snapped out of it, embarrassed at what she was thinking.

"Um, yes. You should be in bed. Not out half-naked in the kitchen."

"I can'd zleeb."

Integra raised a brow. "Beg pardon?"

"Zleeb. Can'd zleeb!"

"Can't, _what_?"

"ZLEEB!!"

Seras suddenly understood as her eyes averted to the Tylenol PM. "Oh! SLEEP! He can't SLEEP!"

Pip nodded irritably as he snatched a can of soda from the open fridge, preparing to pop the top, when-

"Oh no, no, no," said Integra's voice. "Orange juice, not soda."

"Bud I don'd WAND ora-"

"Too bad. Orange juice, then bed."

"Bud-"

"NO buts! BED." Integra took the soda from his hand and gave it to Alucard absentmindedly, who scrutinized the can maliciously. Then, Integra got out a pitcher of orange juice and lead Pip over to the counter. She talked as she poured the juice into a glass.

"Must I treat you like a three-year-old, Captain? You are certainly old enough to care for yourself, right? You are a MERCENARY for goodness sakes, and here you are, falling to pieces from a case of the sniffles."

Pip snatched up his blanket and wrapped it around himself again. His hot flash was ebbing and the chilling feeling was sinking back in. Integra handed him the orange juice and grabbed his forearm.

"C'mon, I'll take you back to bed."

"Wait," Seras suddenly blurted out. "You have a lot of work to do. Let ME take him."

"That's quite all right, Seras, I can take a few moments out of my time to-"

"No! It's fine! I would be HAPPY to ta-"

"Really, Seras. I already said I wou-"

"I'LL take him!"

"NO! I WILL!"

"I WILL!"

"NO! I-"

Walter stepped between the two women. "I'm sure Captain Bernadette can find his OWN way to his room. Right, Captain?"

Pip nodded quickly and slipped out of Integra's grip. "Of courze.. Doe problem."

Seras and Integra both looked thoroughly disappointed as Walter looked relieved. Alucard, on the other hand, stared at Pip very suspiciously as he stumbled out of the kitchen and headed down the hall. Something Bernadette was doing was making Police Girl as well as his Master rather interested in him… But _what?_…

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Seras's voice pierced the air.

"I guess I'll take Pip his soup now."

"No," said Integra. "I'll take it."

"It's MY soup!"

Walter peered over at Seras's "soup" as the two continued to argue. It didn't look very appetizing. "Why don't both of you get back to your duties while I make some, uh, traditional chicken soup."

"What's the matter with mine?" Seras asked.

"Nothing. I just think the traditional would be better for him, is all."

"Oh," was all Seras said. Alucard looked very suspicious now. Seras and Integra (of all people) were fighting over who would be first to serve Bernadette… How odd. What was he doing that was so attractive? Alucard thought back to when the attention Bernadette was receiving first started…….

The No Life King's eyes suddenly lit up with realization as the explanation hit him in the face. Pip got sick. How obvious! Pip went out in the rain without a coat, engaged in battle, and caught a nasty cold. But WHY on earth would that attract positive attention?..

… Females were so confusing.


	4. Chapter 4

NEW CHAP (4): "Real Illusions and Yummy Things"

Pip staggered down the hallway, rubbing one of his eyes with his sleeve. He was tired and dizzy, ready to go back to bed. He was a mere two steps from his bedroom when he suddenly realized something. Integra had somehow weaseled him out of his Tylenol PM! Great, now he would never get sleep!… Well, he could always just go back down to the kitchen..

The Captain stared down the lengthy hallway and down the stairs. Long way.. Too long.. No, he would survive without medication. He turned back around and trudged into his room.

It was really dark. Shadows stretched along the wall and ceiling. It seemed cold, damp….. something wasn't right.

Seras dragged her feet against the hallway carpet, taking as long asshe possibly could. She listened carefully for Integra's footsteps. Seras was waiting for Integra to get safely into her office before she tore back to the kitchen. SHE was going to deliver that soup, not Integra.

As she cruised slowly down the hall, she expected Integra to try and pull something, to be doing the same. But, apparently not, because not three seconds after she suspected her, Sir Helsing's office door slammed shut. Seras bolted back to the kitchen.

_What going on?_ thought Pip.

He moved cautiously further into his room, barely making a noise. Then, his nose twitched. His hands flew to his face, knowing what was coming shortly.. He felt threatened by something foreign in his room, and he didn't want to gain more of it's attention. He tried to stifle it, but, his sneezes were just too stinkin' powerful.

"Heh… heh.. HEHAKITISSHH!!"

Walter jumped as the door ricocheted off the wall for the second time that day. Seras skipped into the kitchen.

"Hello, Walter!" she chirped, smug that Integra was unaware of her presence in the cooking area.

"Hello, Miss Victoria," Walter replied, less cheerful. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy her company, but he had had quite enough of loud, raucous greetings for one day.

"Since I'm here, can I help serve the soup?" she asked.

"Miss Victoria, I-"

"Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Ple-"

"All right! All right! You can take the soup to Captain Bernadette. Now will you kindly calm down?"

Seras beamed and sat contentedly in a wooden chair. She had gotten her way and was very happy about it. She had beaten Integra at something. That, was something new.. She liked it.. Very much.

Pip covered his nose with his wrist. Whatever was there had heard him because it had moved. Moved fluidly, creepily, toward him… Pip's brain wiped out all the other thoughts in his mind and honed in on one, simple command… Search, and destroy…

Seras walked carefully up the stairs with a tray of chicken noodle soup and a glass of water. She could barely contain her excitement of seeing Pip again. But, she didn't really know WHY she wanted to see him so badly.. Why?..

She shrugged it off as soon as she got to his closed bedroom door. She knocked.. No answer came.. She knocked again.. Nothing.. She went in.

Pip spun around, sweat dancing on his forehead. Somehow, he didn't think it was his fever. He quickly snuck over to his bed and pulled out a small, but very sharp knife out from under his pillow. It was all he had to defend himself.

Seras felt her heart melt when she saw Pip lying there, asleep. Her eyes fell to his face, where she saw something that made her take a sudden breath.

His eye patch was gone.

It was sitting peacefully on the table, alone. Seras had never seen Pip without an eye patch. She thought he looked like some dream, sleeping soundly in all his hotness! She sat the tray down and stepped closer to him, lighting a candle on the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. She smiled.

"Oh, Pip," she sighed.

"Oh, Pip," a strange voice hissed in his ear.

Pip spun, getting dizzily off balance. His energy was sapping and he wasn't in any state to fight to begin with.

"Show yourself!" he yelled hoarsely, spinning 'round again. There was something familiar about that voice..

Seras was about to wake him, when she looked closer at his face. He was distressed. Worry lines and signs of discomfort flecked his forehead and cheeks, and sweat poured down his face as his right hand convulsed under his pillow. He was having a nightmare.

Pip's blood ran cold when his tormenter stepped out of the darkness. Seras… Just Seras…

"Zeras?…" Pip asked, lowering his knife.

Seras grinned an eerie smile that sent torrents of shudders down his spine. This wasn't right. It couldn't be..

Seras upholstered a tiny pistol from a sheath on her leg.

"Don't worry, Pip. No need to be afraid," she whispered. "Wake up."

Pip's eyes widened as the young vampire clicked off the safety and held the gun up, leaving him staring down the barrel.

"Zeras.. You wouldn't.."

"Wake up."

Seras smirked as she pulled the trigger.

Pip gave a yell at the top of his lungs, flying bolt upright. Seras gave a similar scream as Pip's forehead collided with hers. She bounced backward.

"Ow!"

Pip's eye snapped toward her and he gave a yell of fury, putting the knife to her neck. Seras gave a gasp of surprise.

"You traitor.. Going againzt your own organization.."

"P-Pip… I don't know what you're talking about," Seras answered truthfully. As she stared into his one eye, (the other remaining tightly shut), she found it to be glassed over. He wasn't truly awake yet.. His mind was still in his nightmare.

"Don't lie to me, Zeras… You tried to have me killed!" he growled, shoving the knife further against her neck. Seras flinched and whimpered a bit. She stared at his face and upper torso, drenched in sweat. His fever was obviously a bit too high for disregard.

Seras gently reached up and put her hand on his forehead. He jerked back, accidentally slicing her neck a little. Pip stared at the blood. Seras cried out in slight pain softly, pulling her hand back. It was then that Pip seemed to wake up. The knife hit the floor.

Alucard trudged through the main corridor of the mansion. He was bored. Police Girl was most likely with Frenchy.. And Integra was in her office, he was sure of that. There was no one to mess with. Nothing to do.

He looked up when he heard a man yell, sounding like Pip. Alucard chuckled.

_Police Girl must have given him a fright…_ he thought gleefully.

Pip put his hands over his face and ran them back through his hair. Seras cupped one hand over his cheek and felt his fever. She winced.

"Pip," she said gently. "Are you all right?"

The Captain of the Wild Geese rubbed his face again, noticing something very important to his ensemble.. His eye patch. He made a sudden move for it. Big mistake..

"Ohhhh," he groaned, his head swimming. Seras automatically became concerned. She laid her hand over his forehead again, truly not knowing what else to do. Pip sighed comfortably as Seras's cold skin pressed against his burning forehead. It felt nice.

"Pip, we need to get you to a doctor," Seras said.

Pip didn't respond at first. He took her hand, and as Seras blushed, turned it over and pushed the fresh coolness against his cheek. His voice was very hoarse as he spoke. "Doe… I'll be find.. I just-.. Just deed do go back do sleeb.."

Seras did not back down.. She doubted Pip's honesty and more importantly, his health. He was refusing help when he needed it most, and it would only get him into a big mess.. She took her other palm and pressed it to his cheek, blue eyes large and glassy as Pip coughed feebly, out of energy, and moaned slightly.. Seras sighed a bit, stroking his cheek..

"Oh, Captain.."

He smiled a bit, eyes still closed, just too tired to do much else. It was then that Seras held up her bowl of soup.

"Come on now, Captain. Let's eat something."

Seras helped sit Pip up against the headboard and began to spoon-feed him. It was a bit difficult, seeing as Pip didn't want to eat, let alone be SPOON-FED. But Seras persisted and managed to force feed him half the bowl before he sort of slumped back, falling silent.

Seras blinked, then giggled. "Now, Captain! The WHOLE bowl!"

Pip he didn't stay anything. He just continued to lay there. Seras paused for a moment and pressed her hands to his forehead. Somehow his fever seemed even higher than before. She felt a pang of anxiety hit her and she shook him lightly.

"Captain?.. Pip?"

Still nothing..

"Pip!! Captain, ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW!!"

She continued to shake, but it was no good. He was out like a rock. And Seras, deep in her heart, knew it wasn't a good thing. She stood up, stripping his many quiets and covers off the bed. She was aware that she was taking unneeded breaths. She was scared, scared for Pip. She stared at Pip for a moment longer, letting fear take her, not knowing what to do. Then she dashed from the room.

The first thing Walter realized, was that Seras was screaming his name in a VERY shrill tone. He was still a bit exasperated from her earlier fits, and was just too fed up with her to take this into much consideration. He sighed as she stumbled in, trying to dismiss her before she could begin.

"Now, Miss Victoria, if you could PLEASE just leave me in peace, I-"

"WALTER!! Pip is HURT!! Pip is DYING!! Pip is-"

"Miss Victoria, WHAT are you RAMBLING ABOUT!?"

Alucard smiled eerily to himself as he stood outside the Captain's door, listening to the screaming done by Seras and Walter in the kitchen downstairs. Ah, yes. Everything was coming along perfectly…. Pip, in bed and alone. His master, ensconced in paper work above. His fledgling and the old man downstairs arguing. Good… VERY good.. He scowled, though. It WOULD have been good if Pip hadn't begun to become the chick magnet around the manor. Alucard had rejoiced when Pip had gotten sick. With him always all over Seras, Alucard never got a chance with her all to himself. But now, oh yes.. She WOULD be his.

The No Life King chuckled as he took the vial of sleeping draught from his pocket. It was empty.

"Stupid Police Girl," he said. "Never pays close enough attention.."

And with that, he slipped inside Pip's room.

Walter stood, barely convinced, as Seras continued to babble incoherently on about Pip and apparent fever issues. He didn't have this kind of time, nor patience! Pip was a grown man and wouldn't have let himself go so far as to put his own life in danger… right?.. Yes, right.

"Miss Victoria, please calm down. I'm sure the Captain just got tired and fell asleep, is all.. All right?"

Seras shook her blonde head viciously. It just didn't feel right.

"No! No! Something's not right!"

----------------------

Alucard loomed over Pip's bed, finding it nice and comfortable in the dark shadows. He grinned quite unkindly at Pip, who had been unknowingly drugged by his sleeping draught. Ah, he loved to be in control.

But in control of WHAT?.. What should he do now that he could manipulate anything he felt worthy enough to be tampered with? He began to scan his options:

1) He could, of course, kill Bernadette.. This was his favorite.

2) He could have a sip of Bernadette's blood, just for the heck of it… see what happens..

3) He could give Bernadette terrible, gory nightmares about scary things.. Oh yes.. That one was good too..

Or 4) He could just stand here and stare at his prey until Police Girl came back and called him a stalker or something.. He wasn't much fond of that one..

Hm.. Well… All of the options seemed equally appealing, except for number 4, that is. And number 2 was on the fence, as many things could take place in that concept.. 1, was just plain out of the question, or risk losing his dignity because Integra would skin him alive if Bernadette's blood was on his hands. Nevertheless, 3 sounded okay, and maybe 2 wasn't all that bad. Yes! Who said he couldn't have both? Get a snack and have some fun torturing Pip!.. He couldn't LOSE!!

--------------------

Seras jumped about in a frustrated way, upset and worried about Pip, and angry that Walter was refusing to acknowledge that Pip was in trouble.

"WALTER!! I'M SERIOUS!!"

"And I am too, Miss Victoria! Enough of this!"

"But WALTER," Seras whined insistently. "I'm SERIOUS!"

-----------------------

Alucard wasn't really all that appeased by the thought of drinking Pip's blood, really. But it was free, and fresh, and certainly warm because of the man's fever. It would be fairly worth it. Pip wasn't all that bad. Any human blood wasn't THAT bad, actually. He seized Pip by the front of his shirt, pulling him up. Alucard was REFUSING to stoop down to drink, _he_ was the dominant one here, not Pip.

--------------------

Seras grabbed a hold of Walter's front, shaking him. "Walter, I have no clue WHAT to do, and you are the only one who DOES!!! HELP!!"

Walter calmly wrenched Seras from his suit and smiled a bit, though his hair was a tad out of place and a look of irritation flashed in his eyes.

"MISS VICTORIA, I am growing rather weary of this.. Performance you have been demonstrating for the last 10 minutes. I will not ask you again. SUBDUE YOURSELF AND RETURN TO WORK.."

---------

Alucard sensed Seras's air of no placidness and hurriedly pulled down one side of Pip's t-shirt from his neck. He could feel his pulse, smell the blood roiling beneath the surface of Pip's skin. It maybe Pip's blood, but it was blood..

---------------

Seras was frantic by now, feeling put off by her motherly intuition.

"You don't understand!! SOMETHING-"

---------------

Alucard brought Pip's neck up closer to his mouth.

--------

"-JUST-"

-----------------

Alucard opened his mouth, fangs gleaming in the dim light.

---------------

"-ISN'T-"

------------------

Alucard lowered his head slightly, quickly, in a flinching gesture.

--------------

"-RIGHT!!"

--------------

Alucard pierced skin, and delightedly, began to drink.


	5. Chapter 5

NEW CHAP (5): "Turning Tables, Watch Them Spin"

When Pip finally woke up, he felt abnormally strange. It was as though a portion of his aches and pains had been sucked out of him. He rubbed his forehead a bit, smearing sweat across his face, then sat up. He frowned slightly. He didn't feel so terrible anymore.. True enough, he had had gory nightmares about dolls eating his face off, but he felt a whole lot better. Maybe his fever had broken.. Or maybe it was Seras's soup.. Or, maybe-.. Oh, who cares!

Pip leapt up off the bed, then cursed a bit as he felt a few sneezes coming. He turned his head and stifled them, then sniffled and blinked a couple times. His cold had severely lessoned, but was still hanging around. However, the good news was that he was well enough to get back to work, and get the heck out of his room!

The Captain of the Wild Geese hurriedly got dressed and dashed from the room, a bit tired, but otherwise feeling fine.

Alucard, however, was not quite as dandy. Ever since last night, had started feeling rather poorly… First, his head had started throbbing, feeling like it did when Integra had gotten into a bit of a fuss and whammed him in the skull 52 times with a silver ash tray.. Then, he started to feel a tad fatigued, tired almost, like he didn't get enough sleep… After that followed a strange, sandpaper feeling in his throat, sore muscles, and a loss of appetite. These, of course were fairly foreign to the No-Life King, who hadn't so much as felt anything near as strange as this in over some 500 years. Yes, he has experienced slight fatigue and maybe muscle exhaustion once or perhaps TWICE in his un-life, but NEVER as pronounced as THIS.. Ever since he had stared feeling so bizarrely uncomfortable, Alucard had taken the freedom of locking himself up in his damp, basement room.. Oh, how downright dismal of him, hiding away like this!… But if one thing was sure, and he was sure as sure it was, he would NOT be jovially skipping about until he figured out what was going on..

He sat there, in his chair, sawing a gloved finger under his nose. The naughty little thing had taken to getting very itchy lately, and the vampire had no clue why. He didn't BREATHE for goodness sake.. WHAT could be CAUSING this?.. What even was happening to him, anyway!?..

In an attempt to get rid of the irritating tickle, Alucard huffed a short breathe through his nasal passages. He snorted flinchingly as the prickle only furthered and got even more violent. Why, the gall of it! He was ALUCARD, MASTER OF EVIL!!! How DARE it taunt him! He tilted his head back, closing his eyes, wrinkling up his long, straight nose. What kind of torture was this, huh?.. Oh, it was Anderson, wasn't it..? Anderson, with some creepy Church machine made to torment vampires from afar.. Yeeeeeees… THAT was it.. He sniffled, then winced as the itch defied its host and ventured even further into his nose. GAH, it was MADDENING!!.. Ugh.. Alucard sniffed again, pawing at his nose in a rather undignified fashion. He scrubbed his wrist alongside it, wiped it against his shoulder and even pinched it for a moment, but his endeavors were futile.

Finally, in a wild frenzy to silence his anguish, Alucard snatched up his gun and pointed it at his own face. His sonorous voice reverberated off the walls of his room.

"If this doesn't stop it," he said, clicking off the safety. "I don't know what will."

Yet, as he said this, the tickle began to grow even more monstrous before, feeling like a tiny feather, stabbing at him, and some impulse unknown and forgotten to him, forced the No Life King to squint his eyes into ruby slits as involuntary breaths began to seize him.

".. Aahhhh.."

Alucard reached up with his free hand and pressed a finger under his nose hesitantly.. What was HAPPENING?..

".. haahh.. aaahhh.."

Alucard felt his eyes close all the way and he saw no more, only felt, what was going to happen. His lips pulled back in a grimace so that his large, white teeth sparkled in what light was there.

"… gaaaahhhhaaa…"

Alucard paused there, testing himself, feeling like he was on the brink of something. It was as though he were on the rim of a mountain, teetering off the side, waiting for something to either push him forward or pull him back… One small sniffle sent him over the edge.

"HAAAAHHHH-"

-------

Integra's head snapped up from her paperwork as a loud series of booms and crashes came from downstairs. She furrowed her brow, then stood up, and peered over her desk at the floor, where, about 4 levels below, Alucard's domain resided. What had happened down there?.. Did he cause something to explode?.. Throw a grenade?.. She gritted her teeth.. If he was playing catch with Hilda the Overweight Maid again, she would give him QUITE a punishment.. She blinked down at the floor a few times, listening for more as the thunderous cacophony subsided. Hn.. He was probably in a mood, or perhaps just rearranging furniture the "Kingly" way, as he liked to call it. Integra sighed and shook her head, going back to her desk. Alucard, she concluded, was one she would never understand.

NEW CHAP(6): "Denial of the Inevitable"

Pip and Seras stood together outside on the field, watching the troops muck about on their break. Tripping each other, pantsing the new recruits, and enjoying their job in general. The Captain of this sorry crowd was looking well and feeling much, much better. Pip had convinced himself that it was Seras's wonderful bedside manor that saved him from certain death, and told her this hourly.

"But, Captain! I didn't do anything!" Seras always replied, blushing and smiling. And Pip always replied, "Ah, mon cherie, you did more than you know.."

The two had drawn closer together since Pip's episode.. But not close enough.

POP!

"OW!"

"PIP BERNADETTE, YOU PERV!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!"

"Ah, but Princess! I am only being-"

"NO NO NO!! NO MORE!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

"Ho ho ho! But I only wish to t-"

"… AHHH!! PIP!!! WHAT DID I JUST SAY!!!??"

POP!

"OW!!"

Ah, yes, my friends! Love is in the air! Sweet, sweet love… and annoyance… and perhaps some resentment… oh well… love's in there.. somewhere… deeeeeeeeeep down in there… Gah, who are we kidding?..

Alucard lay flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling with a VERY unhappy look on his pale face. He had been thrown back to the ground when the detonation had commenced, and was not a pleased un-dead man let me tell you. It just wasn't his day, he was presuming. He lifted his head a bit, grunting, and surveyed the room. Apparently, whatever friggin' explosion that came out of his face, had practically vandalized his room. The force of his sneeze had blown the furniture of his living quarters all to one side, like some huge gust had twirled about his residence. The only thing that had not moved much was his coffin, most likely because he had not been facing it when he had released that monster of a bodily function. If he hadn't been so baffled and humiliated, he would have taken pride in the fact that his sneezes could cause natural disasters. Vampires COULDN'T sneeze, could they?.. It just wasn't feasible!… was it?

Alucard growled a bit as he stood up, nose beginning to itch again. He took the edge of his coat and rubbed his nose to it in a relatively agitated fashion. He couldn't believe what was happening to him. A slight case of the sniffles was dragging him under.. In a matter of hours he could look just like that fool Bernadette..

All of a sudden, Alucard's eyes lit up. BERNADETTE! It was HIS fault he was sick! Alucard had ingested blood before, but usually from a healthy medical pack or a nourishing human walking through the night. He never thought about the consequence of drinking the blood of one whom was ill. Oh! How FOOLISH of him. He was surely doomed.

"ALUCARD!!!"

Alucard cringed as Integra's shrill voice sounded from upstairs… Oh god, not her.. She'd surely exploit his newly acquired weakness..

"ALUCARD!!!! COME NOW!!!!"

He groaned… how he hated his life.. Then, he phased away, leaving his room unoccupied.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Yo! This is actually DaysOfTheNight speaking, not Day'sOfTheNight's Friend. Lol. She told me to tell you guys that the entire Chapter Six portion that was on Chapter Five that is already posted, is revised. That'll be all for my surprise visit/announcement. :D**

NEW CHAP(6): "Denial of the Inevitable"

Pip and Seras stood together outside on the field, watching the troops muck about on their break. Tripping each other, pantsing the new recruits, and enjoying their job in general. The Captain of this sorry crowd was looking well and feeling much, much better. Pip had convinced himself that it was Seras's wonderful bedside manor that saved him from certain death, and told her this hourly.

"But, Captain! I didn't do anything!" Seras always replied, blushing and smiling. And Pip always replied, "Ah, mon cherie, you did more than you know.."

The two had drawn closer together since Pip's episode.. But not close enough.

POP!

"OW!"

"PIP BERNADETTE, YOU PERV!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!"

"Ah, but Princess! I am only being-"

"NO NO NO!! NO MORE!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

"Ho ho ho! But I only wish to t-"

"… AHHH!! PIP!!! WHAT DID I JUST SAY!!!??"

POP!

"OW!!"

Ah, yes, my friends! Love is in the air! Sweet, sweet love… and annoyance… and perhaps some resentment… oh well… love's in there.. somewhere… deeeeeeeeeep down in there… Gah, who are we kidding?..

Alucard lay flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling with a VERY unhappy look on his pale face. He had been thrown back to the ground when the detonation had commenced, and was not a pleased un-dead man let me tell you. It just wasn't his day, he was presuming. He lifted his head a bit, grunting, and surveyed the room. Apparently, whatever friggin' explosion that came out of his face, had practically vandalized his room. The force of his sneeze had blown the furniture of his living quarters all to one side, like some huge gust had twirled about his residence. The only thing that had not moved much was his coffin, most likely because he had not been facing it when he had released that monster of a bodily function. If he hadn't been so baffled and humiliated, he would have taken pride in the fact that his sneezes could cause natural disasters. Vampires COULDN'T sneeze, could they?.. It just wasn't feasible!… was it?

Alucard growled a bit as he stood up, nose beginning to itch again. He took the edge of his coat and rubbed his nose to it in a relatively agitated fashion. He couldn't believe what was happening to him. A slight case of the sniffles was dragging him under.. In a matter of hours he could look just like that fool Bernadette..

All of a sudden, Alucard's eyes lit up. BERNADETTE! It was HIS fault he was sick! Alucard had ingested blood before, but usually from a healthy medical pack or a nourishing human walking through the night. He never thought about the consequence of drinking the blood of one who was ill. Oh! How FOOLISH of him. He was surely doomed.

"ALUCARD!!!!!"

Alucard cringed as Integra's voice boomed from upstairs. Oh god, not her.. Anything but her… If there was any possibility of this little accident getting out-… He just might kill himself.. again..

"ALUCARD!!! NOW!!!"

The No-Life King winced once more, giving another growl to pair it with. He hit the door with his shoulder and turned the knob, slipping out like silence… Or, at least, it would have been silence if he had not begun to cough. He stifled them with his elbow, then swallowed, and frowned at the burning prickle that slid down his dry wind-pipe. He put a hand to his neck, rubbing it. This was going to be a long day.

He sauntered his way up the stairs, feeling too tired to try and fade through solid objects. Each step took more effort as confidence and arrogance slipped away like sand between his fingers. How did humans DEAL with this?!… It was literally self-deprecating, as well as torture. Alucard felt a nearly non-existent pang of guilt of treating Pip so badly whenever he had been ill… It soon diminished, however, when he reminded himself that it was the French-pig's fault that HE was now infected. Screw the fact that he had drugged Pip, snuck in hi room, and feasted on him. The Captain was the one to blame here, not him.

"ALUCARD!!! GET IN HERE!!!"

He moaned at that one, it being so close.. He kicked the door open, holding his temples.

"WHAT, MASTER!? WHAT!!!??"

Integra blinked at her slave, faintly surprised by his sudden entrance… and.. Was that-?.. PAIN on his face? He was in PAIN? For a man whose emotional expressions varied from indifferent to disturbingly amused, open irritation and tenderness was a new one. She raised an eyebrow.

"Ah, finally.. Alucard, I need you to take Victoria and a few brigades out to the west side of-… what are you doing?"

Alucard flicked baleful, ruby slits to his master, his left hand clamped over his nose and mouth like a white, silken mask..

"… waiting for you to order me around.. What does it LOOK like I am doing?.."

In reality, he had begun to feel a familiar itch in his nasal passageways. He was not entirely used to the prospect of sneezing, but it certainly was recognizable, and as far as he was concerned, unavoidable… Oh, how right he was..

Integra looked unimpressed, then just rolled her eyes. She could care less what the vampire's motive was. As long as he wasn't causing trouble.

"Whatever.. Just take Seras and troops down to the-…"

Alucard stopped listening at that point as Integra kept on talking, beginning to focus on his nose. Why?.. Why must his un-life be as complicated as his living one?… WHY!!!?… He made a slight squeak as he fought to keep the sneezes down. He was not exactly embarrassed by it, but he'd much rather do this sort of annoying thing in private. ANY one would do better than his own master.

"Alucard, are you listening?"

He jumped a bit, looking up, then hurriedly putting both hands behind his back. He tried to put on a menacing grin, but it turned out to be more of a weak grimace.

"What else could I be doing?" He cleared his throat, voice cracking. Ugh..

Integra laced her fingers and sat back.. She was suspicious..

"Alucard.. Is there something you want to tell me?"

He scowled, quickly turning his head to cough. He squinted his eyes at Integra as he looked back. "What are you STARING AT?.."

Integra, who was halfway out of her seat, lost any concern she had for her servant after his baritone voice snapped at her. She plopped back down, beginning to look over paperwork.

"Nevermind.. Just get out of my sight and be ready tomorrow night for Millennium."

Alucard bowed rather clumsily then got the HECK out of there. He smashed a wrist to his nose as he slammed the door behind him, beginning to feel involuntary air being drawn into his lungs…

"Aaahhhh..gaahhh…."

Again, he paused, the bothersome tickle floating around for a moment before attacking him completely..

"HHHRRAAAAAAACHHTT!!!" Alucard was propelled backward by the sheer vigor of his sneeze and hit the wall, sliding down it. He rubbed the back of his head, moaning. Oh, how he wanted to kill someone..

Until he looked up…

Then he wanted to kill himself… again..

Captain Pip Bernadette stood there, right hand clenched onto a half-eaten burger, and his lone green eye widened, staring down at Alucard's hunched form. His mouth was slightly open. No one said anything for close to 3 minutes. Then…

"WHAT ZE-" .. Pip followed this up with a string of colorful phrases, some of his own creation. Alucard's pride was chipped away at each one, but his hate grew impossibly more monstrous. He had made up his mind.. The French man WOULD die.. There could be NO WITNESSES…

"-CAN-OPENER!" Pip finished anticlimactically, dropping his lunch. "WHAT WAS ZAT?!"

Alucard pushed himself up off the floor, buckling slightly when his vision swam. "Get out of here before the very depths of all evil reach your girly, little body.."

Pip, who normally would have fled for his dear French life, cocked a grin.

"And if I don't?"

Alucard's black, frazzled head jerked upward, eyes glowing dangerously.

"I do not think you want to venture into that dark corner, mortal.."

"What are you going to do?.. Zneeze on me?" The Captain gleefully began to laugh at his own joke… Until Alucard seized him by the front and yanked him up to meet his height.. Pip was less than an inch away from Alucard's fangs.

"Speak a word of this to anyone, and I truly WILL see you dead, even if it means my own well-being. You can BET on it."

The No-Life King slammed Captain Bernadette back down harshly, then swept down the hall, regaining his diminished arrogance. Pip rubbed his throat.. He was grinning..

"… I would be careful about making ze betz… I can call a bluff when I zee one.."

And with that, Pip jovially bounced away… to find a certain little British vampire… and tell her some things he had recently found..


	7. Chapter 7

NEW CHAP(7): "An Anticipated Victory"

Seras blinked blandly at Captain Bernadette, who was vividly describing some sort of important discovery. She had taken a liking to tuning him out ever since he had recovered from his illness. Back to the old Pip again, his mouth was as dirty as a gutter and constantly ran day in and day out. Not to mention all the suggestive pinches and grabs he gleefully handed out to her on a daily basis. She grimaced as he chomped the sandwich he had been finishing, and went on talking while chewing. Eww…

"Zo, zen I walked around ze corner and zaw Al-"

"Pip, I really think we should be training or getting ready or SOMETHING. Sir Integra wants us on a mission to seek out Millennium tonight."

"But, Zeras! He-"

"I'm sorry, Captain. I need to go finish my training. Maybe we can chat later!" She tried to sound eager, as not to blow him off. However, as soon as she issued her quick exiting line, she fled from him. It wasn't that she didn't like Pip, she just had other things to do right now. Plus, that scene in the bedroom when he had that terrible fever… she just felt a little awkward, was all. Even if he didn't.

Her body suddenly shuddered as she felt her Master's aura moving about restlessly in the manor. She smiled pleasantly, savoring the feeling before it drifted away. The connection she had with Alucard was something she liked to acknowledge. It made her feel close to him when she could feel his aura, although she was not very good at it.

Her eyes drifted to the large window of Integra's office, then down the side of the building. What was he doing in there?

The No-Life King paced about his room.

Only 8 hours until the mission.

8 hours to hide his condition.

8 hours to get himself together.

And 8 hours to kill Bernadette with absolutely no mercy… or at least threaten his life so incessantly, he decides to commit suicide. Alucard had no particular preference.

Absently, as he mulled over possible schemes, he see-sawed a gloved finger under his nose, no longer really noticing he was doing so. He was hoping to stave off any urges (or at least practice) before the mission…

He was failing miserably.

"HRRAAACHT!… CHT!.. ACHT!!.. uuughh.." The vampire had been against excreting his own nasal fluid onto himself or his own clothes, but now he was beyond the point of no return. He had no earthly idea where the maids kept the tissues or hankies or whatever they were called. He had never carried one. So, he had no choice but to just make use of what he had, as disgusting as it was. He palmed his nose with his hand, collapsing into his lone chair. He watched with an agitated look on his face as the debris from his powerful sneeze drifted back down to the ground near the door. With a great breath, he snuffled. This was past anything he had ever been tolerant of experiencing. He had already shot himself three times, regretfully. That had just made his head ache even more than it had before.

_Still_, he thought wistfully as another batch of sneezes surfaced, _The feeling is not exactly unpleasant…_

It had been a long time since he had satisfied any bodily function:

Peeing.

Eating food.

Drinking things human's drink.

He did not _miss_ it, precisely… but it sure felt nice to have a change once and a while-

"MASTER!"

Alucard, who had been tilting his head back to release his impulse, quickly gasped out of surprise and ducked his head into the crook of his arm, shaking with a few sneezes, trying to keep them quiet. It was very difficult.

"Master!?… What was that sound?"

Alucard rubbed his nose, snapping his head up to glare at the door. His voice, instead of a sonorous bellow, was a low croak.

"Get-!. Get out of here, Police Girl!" He punctuated his statement with a sniffle, feeling his face heat up with slight disdain for the sound of his voice.

Seras was silent for a moment, then her light, Cockney chirp squeaked from behind the door that separated them.

"Master, is something wrong?"

Alucard pounded a fist to the arm of his chair. His patience, he observed, was incredibly low today. "FINE!.. Jus-" His frame tensed as he quickly whipped his head to his shoulder. "HHRRRAA-MMPHH!!.. MPHH!!"

Seras knocked hesitantly. "Master!?.. Are you-?.."

The vampire swore softly, sniffling, then slumping back in his chair. All of his energy felt like it was just melting away… evaporating… like water when you let it sit too long. He only growled at the door as a response to her inquiry. Seras, he could tell, had grown suspicious of him.

"I-… I'll see you in a few hours, Master…"

She hastily left.

Alucard leaned back, letting out a breath and running a hand over his face. This was going to be a VERY long night.

Pip grinned as Charlie's eyes widened.

"You mean he-?"

"Yez…"

"But you-?"

"Of course not, idiot…"

Charlie blinked, then took a breath. "But HE-"

"Yep." Pip took a drag from his cigarette, coughing slightly on the first puff, but perfectly satisfied after. He breathed it out, watching it curl out into the air before looking back to Charlie. He loved new recruits. They'd believe you if it was a lie or not.

"Vampires can't get sick, can they?" Charlie asked, looking puzzled. Pip rolled his eyes a bit, then shrugged.

"Not unless zey drink unhealthy blood."

Charlie blinked again, then knitted his eyebrows together, looking deep in thought. Pip gave a sigh, throwing an arm over his shoulder. "Look, kiddo. Zee only zing we have to worry about iz if he friggin sneezes us off zee face of zee planet. His sneeze is like-… I don't know what… zome sort of atomic explosion…"

Charlie looked alarmed at this. "He might start nuclear war!"

Pip groaned at this, crushing his cigarette butt out on Charlie's thick uniform, then putting what remained of his smoke in Charlie's hand.

"Do me a favor, eh?"

Charlie brightened, looking delightedly baffled by the crushed-out smoke that he was now holding. "Anything, Captain!"

"Don't think so much. You might hurt yourself."

As the evening gave was to the murky dawn of dusk, Alucard had managed to pull himself together. He had taken a quick detour to a deserted men's room on the 2nd floor and endured through the strange custom of blowing his nose. Quite an adventure that had been. He suspected that was the only thing required of him, except when he got back to his quarters, he found himself slightly sweaty, which is NOT supposed to happen to a vampire. He couldn't force himself to eat anything except half a pack of medical blood because he suddenly felt less thirsty and a hair queasy. He concluded, after little consideration, that a nap would fix everything.

He was shocked to find himself drift out of sleep damp with sweat about 10 minutes after it was time to leave for the mission. He scrambled out of his coffin, momentarily stumbling, then straightening up self-consciously, as if someone had seen. He couldn't comprehend his rotten luck. His nap had had been contorted into an induced unconsciousness, to his disappointment.

Alucard pushed through his door and swept out into the hallway purposefully. If he was going to be late, he was going to make it good.

Up, up, up the stairs and then a right to the front door out onto the lawn. He found everyone: the troops, Seras, Walter, and even Integra, waiting for him.

"About TIME," Integra complained, shuffling a bit and lighting a cigar. "What were you doing? Playing patty-cake?"

Alucard let it slide by like concrete to a cheese-grater, giving a sly grin. "You could say that, Master…" He cleared his throat softly, trying to suppress the compulsion to cough heartily into a fist. Integra scoffed.

"Whatever… Just hurry along so I can brief everyone on the mission…"

Alucard bowed maliciously, then filed into the crowd, behind Seras. The young fledgling turned to look at her Master, who leered back with a deranged grin pasted to his pale, moonlit face. His eyes, hidden by his orange glasses, flashed bright as he turned his head up to look full at Integra. Seras smiled slightly, then turned back. Her smiled faded from her face, after that. She'd had a sudden rush of feeling, when Alucard had looked at her… a wave of aura… And she didn't like the way it felt.

Her Master was extraordinarily admirable for almost everything he did, one being his absolute inherent ability to lie. Deception was his code-name, and trickery was his word to live by. He could just about swindle anyone, unless ordered not to. And that was what worried her the most. With Alucard, it was very hard to determine what was truth… and what was just plain BS…


End file.
